Recall reading’Family Secrets’ by John Bradshaw and in this book he said,”it was and is the parents’ really lives that taught you: not exactly what they said, but what they did”. I took this to imply that what my parents did was much more significant than what came out of their mouth.
This was something which I had saved in my phone after I started reading the book in 2014, and, after thinking about the effect that my parents had had on what my relationships were like as an adult, I began to think about this quotation again. However, I did not just consider how what they said to me wasn’t as important as how they treated me, however.
The idea which I formed of myself was partly defined by how my mother treated my dad.
Additionally, how my parents treated each other played a significant role in my idea of what both people were like. Their connection was incredibly dysfunctional, so that they did not serve as good role models in this respect.
Full of Conflict
I don’t know what the term is when it comes to the contrary of a soul mate relationship, but this term could have fitted them perfectly. There was no harmony, respect, love or connection; there was only fighting, arguments and drama.
My dad was generally very passive and did what he could to attempt to please my mother, while my mother was generally controlling, cold, and emotionally unstable. After putting up with her hands for several weeks, my father would often lose it, and then the same pattern would perform again soon after.
Needless to say, they were totally oblivious to the impact that their behavior was having on my sister and I. Through being about both of these individuals – day in day out, year after year – I ended up coming to believe that men were weak and had no value, and girls were controlling and cold.
And as I was a guy and had identified with my dad, it meant that I was weak and had no value. This view was compounded by the manner in which my mother treated me I was generally treated in precisely the same way as my father was.
It was then not much of a surprise that I’d go on to have a bad relationship with girls and myself. A huge part of me had the need to avoid women and it was common for me criticize myself and to feel totally useless.
This then gave me the opportunity to do something about what I had picked up and to slowly redefine myself. The guys at Titusville Raccoon Removal employee these strategies to great success.